Category: Relationships

Caregivers Talk About Mini-vacations


I once facilitated a tea and dialogue session for members of a caregivers’ support group that met monthly in my local senior center. Most of them were caring for ailing spouses. It was hard for them to take much time out for themselves, let alone take actual vacations. The social worker facilitating the group agreed that “mini-vacation” would be a good dialogue topic.

From the warm, open way they welcomed me, I suspected they already followed the dialogue guidelines – Pause, Relax, Open, Attune to Emergence, Listen Deeply and Speak the Truth. The facilitator agreed, adding that she encouraged them to speak truthfully about their suffering.

The mini-vacations they shared took place in campgrounds, on the beach and other places they remembered from actual vacations. They spoke about peace and joy and freedom to play. What they described seemed more about being and sharing than doing. It was the very simplicity that made their descriptions so moving – the basic warm human connection.

Dan Siegel, an innovator in the integration of brain science and psychotherapy notes, “Self-compassion and self-acceptance emerge quite seemlessly…from consistent, continuous and caring connections with our caregivers early in life. But they can also emerge from ‘earned secure attachment'” (page 188, Mindsight; The new science of personal transformation). He continues on page 188 explaining that with the opportunity “to feel that we are ‘inside the heart’ of another, the candlelight of love glows within and illuminates our lives.”

These caregivers were taking full advantage of the opportunity to be truly seen and held in that candlelight’s glow. It seemed to me that what they were describing could be appreciated by anyone – the warm sense of belonging with no agenda in a lovely natural spot. There was a peace to what they described but, given their circumstances, it was also quite poignant.

I got the feeling that secure attachment regardless of how it is achieved – whether through early life experience, or though courageous work – might benefit from regular tuneups. And sharing memories or visions of ideal “mini-vacations” seemed not such a bad way to do that kind of maintenance.

Sharing from the Heart

We crave the approval of attentive listening and what others have to say when they are revealing their true hearts tends to be inherently interesting. That kind of conversation can have both freshness and depth.

Ideally, we consider before speaking, and then we speak the truth in a way that benefits both speaker and listener. In today’s world of increasing divisiveness, we can easily underestimate how much we have in common and how much we have to gain from listening.

Heartfelt speech is always an exchange of gifts even when the conversation is strictly internal. Pausing for self-compassion when one is triggered by something that is said (including by oneself) allows time to process and release emotions and then return to listening.

When we know we are valued and respected despite our flaws, honest discussion can help us begin to work on what might be getting in our way. While seeing the impact of past conditioning can be painful and take time, changing our perspective and actions is much easier with trusted support.

With enough supportive honest sharing in our lives, we might discover that we ourselves, are the answer to the hole we are seeking to fill. Clark, Fleche, Layard, Powdthavee & Ward, in The Origins of happiness: Evidence and policy implications, VOX DEPR’s Policy Portal, share the results of large surveys they conducted in a number of countries which found that the biggest factors in life satisfaction were not economic but related to “people’s social relationships and their mental and physical health.”

Many Reasons to Slow Down for Tea

Tea bowls and blackberries awaiting the arrival of a friend.

Although it might seem frivolous, I would argue that slowing down to share tea with no particular agenda is a very good idea. For one thing, as Olendzky notes, “security comes from aligning our attitudes and policies with the behaviors that will bring out the best in others, rather than doing the very things that are sure to provoke or entrench them” (Unlimiting Mind: The Radical Experiential Psychology of Buddhism, page 45). 

Human lives have always been full of challenges. And these days there are good reasons to be afraid. With so much coming at us, it is all too easy to pull back into our shells and feel helpless. 

Sharing tea provides a good excuse to slow down and simply be present with each other. Thich Nhat Hanh includes drinking tea among his practices for compassionate communication to “Bring you back to your true home. Don’t think. Be here, body and mind united.” (The Art of Communicating, 2013, page 150).

As you feel the warm cup, the steam rising, attune to the color and the fragrance of the tea, you are returning to sensing what is here now in real time. With senses more fully engaged, it may be easier to directly sense the not-being-alone-with-this support of simply enjoying tea together.

Humans can certainly cause big trouble. But it is also natural for us to help each other out in times of crisis. While emotional support and practical forms of help are both wonderful, there is also a place for small acts of kindness, like sharing tea. They can add so much grace and meaning to human lives.

Bringing Openness to the Familiar

Toward the end of a silent retreat I attended, I saw the picture above hanging in the coatroom of the Insight Meditation Retreat Center in Barre, Massachusetts, USA. My Japanese tea ceremony teacher, Giselle Maya, confirmed my suspicions that she was the artist who had made that collage. She added, “I love that place and all it gave to me, all I learned in many many retreats, dharma talks, and interviews.”

I had just read the wonderful stories about Dipa Ma in Amy Schmidt’s book, Knee Deep in Grace, the Extraordinary Life and Teaching of Dipa Ma. Dipa Ma’s spirit seemed so powerful that it might still be a force actively influencing events long after her death. When I asked if Dipa Ma had been at the Barre Center when Giselle was there, she said, yes and added that “Dipa Ma was a very kind woman.” Perhaps Dipa Ma’s influence was present in the patient and kind way that Giselle taught her students the exacting art of Japanese tea ceremony.

As to my own experience on retreat, I had ample opportunity to explore feelings of familiarity. It became clear to me that while what is familiar may offer comfort, it can also be an illusion. It can be associated with a harmful false story that we take as true. On the other hand, familiarity can be a trailhead to learning something fundamental about what it means to be human. Some forms of familiarity were “just in the air” like the embodied strength of the wise teachers who instructed us, or the spirit of warm connection that was much in evidence as we joined our voices for a morning chant on the last day.

There were also moments of laughter and play during the retreat. Childlike play and silliness can cut though a lot – bringing sympathetic joy right into the middle of the strains of life – transcending familiarity and acting as a source of delight and inspiration. While being on retreat provided ideal conditions to explore my reactions to what I found familiar, I could find no reason to stop exploring this fertile ground in my everyday life.

A Sunrise Gathering

When I went for my walk this morning, there was quite a gathering on the crest of the hill in Robbins Farm Park. The sun had not quite risen and a pink dawn mixed with gray clouds. There could easily be over a hundred of them – one of the largest gatherings I had ever seen in this park.

I asked a young man why they were here, he told me that it was “Senior Sunrise.” Evidently, my town’s high school takes advantage of the opportunity that the park presents for seniors to witness the dawn of a new day over Boston.

I had come out hoping to catch sight of the “super blue moon.” This second full moon of the month is referred to as a “blue moon” because they are relatively rare. In this case, it was also a “supermoon” which occurs when the moon is closest to us in its orbit around earth making the full moon appear a bit larger than usual.

I was lucky to catch it – just visible in a gap between trees to my right:

As the crowd began to disperse, I overheard a young lady say, “The bad classes only got worse, while the good classes got better but I find it hard to concentrate after 45 minutes no matter what class it is. I’m glad that’s over.”

Although I refuse to consider myself superstitious, I was surprised to realize that getting older has only made me hope all the more that the conjunction of a lovely sunrise and a super blue moon might prove particularly auspicious for these young people who were moving on with their lives in particularly challenging times.

Walking Down the Road

The 1971 hit, Woyaya with music by Sol Amarfio and words by Annie Masembe of Uganda which speaks of not knowing where we are going but trusting that we will get there even though the road will be muddy and rough, had me looking for quotes on similar themes. I found quite a variety:

“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.” Dolly Parton.

“The road to enlightenment is long and difficult and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.” Ann Lamott

“The church is near, but the road is icy. The tavern is far, but I will walk carefully.” Russian Proverb

“No matter how far you go down the wrong road, you can turn back.” Turkish proverb

And, in the logical world of Alice in Wonderland: “‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’ ‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat. ‘I don’t much care where -‘ said Alice. ‘Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat. ‘-so long as I get SOMEWHERE,’ Alice added as an explanation. ‘Oh, you’re sure to do that,’ said the Cat ‘if you only walk long enough.'” Lewis Caroll

And this one of unknown attribution: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” In these days when things are changing so fast that it seems possible to travel far by just standing still, my personal vote would be to not go it alone.

Joyful Attunement

Smiles after a 2019 Christmas Concert Where Everything Came Together (Photo by Betty Poleet)

Joyful attunement is to be expected when choir friends sing music together that they know and love. But, as I learned, it is also possible for strangers who have just spent several days intentionally not speaking with each other.

Toward the end of a 7-day silent retreat I attended, the hundred or so of us in the hall were taught a lovely evening chant. That something out of the ordinary was going on was evident in the sound. The teacher asked us to repeat the chant and it happened again.

As Linn Nagata found in her research on somatic mindfulness, “The ability to resonate or attune to another person somatically can provide a type of communication even when language differences preclude verbal communication (p. 97, Kossak, M. , Attunement in Expressive Arts Therapy).

Perhaps we had been subtly attuning via body language without knowing it, even as we avoided eye contact. Or our kind and wise retreat teachers’ influence and support was enough to get us all on the same wavelength. I could also see how a few talented individuals with unusual musical sensitivity might have acted as catalysts for the effortless attunement that had a great deal of freedom to it – like a flock of birds wheeling out patterns in the evening sky.

That this kind of group-level intuitive heartfelt intelligence is still possible provides me with hope for our troubled world.

Unexpected Acts of Kindness


These crocuses planted by volunteers in a nearby park certainly brightened my day.

For a number of decades, we have lived in a world where food and other resources have became increasingly available, but when things in general are going relatively well, we may not realize that we are lacking a critical psychological nutrient for human wellbeing.

Chapter 4 of the World Happiness Report 2023 describes how acts of kindness, particularly when they are unexpected, create warm feelings of happiness in actors, receivers and even in observing bystanders. It goes on to note that happy people are more likely to do acts of kindness, thus spreading happiness even further.

Perhaps some form of the “golden rule” is so universal precisely because we need to be reminded about how much benefit acts of kindness provide. Acts of kindness, especially when unexpected, tend to have a bigger positive impact than we may realize according to “Kindness Goes Farther Than You Think” by Amit Kumar (Scientific American, April, 2023).

Ironically, our human tendency to respond to crises with acts of kindness is contributing to greater happiness in our troubled world according to the World Happiness Report.

Responsive Gardening

In a photo of my spring garden taken many years ago, the young Katsura maple glows yellow by the fence.

That maple would grow large to anchor the corner opposite the tea hut.

One learns with one’s hands and heart through the daily tending. A change might be required to retain balance and flow in a garden’s design. Some things should be left well enough alone.

Even as weather patterns shift, becoming more extreme and unpredictable, and nature makes changes, the basics should remain pretty much the same. As always, there should be joy in attending and responding not from outside, but from within – as part of the continuing dance of life.



Living from Belonging

It was the beautiful design that first caught my interest. Online research revealed that this “taka” was made by the Ngadha tribe, who live on the island of Flores, in Indonesia. And although I read various theories, I would not be surprised if only the Ngadha know the taka’s true meaning and uses.

I was also intrigued by the fact that members of the Ngadha think of themselves first as “we” (not “I”) – a bit like how the taka includes two equal parts joined in intimate connection. Placing primacy on a first person plural identity is evidently quite rare among human cultures. That’s a bit surprising given how much we humans have always been dependent on each other for our very survival.

Jayne Curnow explains the Ngadha view using these words:

“individual independence is not a coveted state of being; rather being singular plural is the principal mode of existence. In this context, the nua is the central heartland for the spatial and material expression of clan unity, although the emotions of being singular plural transcend time and space….Ngadha practices of interdependence are reflected in the community economy, which privileges Ancestor worship, community cohesion and group distribution of resources above the needs and desires of the individual….Interdependence is a dominant feature of everyday Ngadha life and organization. Ngadha people’s view of their own society involves a sense of self that questions the conceptual separation of self from others. Frequently, people alerted me to the ways in which everyone and everything is connected.”

Now, most of us do not live in tribes. We live with members of our immediate family, or with a roommate. Many live alone. We pay a price for that. Jeffrey Simons and Lane Beckes argued that pro-social behavior that was required by tribal living provided evolutionary advantages. And a sense of belonging, of being deeply known, appreciated and cared about by a larger group has some significant psychological benefits.

Intentionally working to form groups that provide a sense of belonging and adopt a “we” perspective (as is true of many religious communities, for example) seems particularly wise in perilous times like our own. At a minimum, that could provide access to a broader range of perspectives as well as to useful instrumental support. I tend to agree with those who argue that social capital can be very valuable even when other resources are not available.

“It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied together into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. We are made to live together because of the interrelated structure of reality . . . Before you finish eating breakfast in the morning, you’ve depended on more than half the world. This is the way our universe is structured, this is its interrelated quality. We aren’t going to have peace on Earth until we recognize the basic fact of the interrelated structure of all reality. “

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.1967 Christmas Sermon on Peace